A Most Excellent Book: Rule 1

Ah, Midge! You're here. And only ten minutes late, I see. What's that? Oven's on the fritz? Waiting for a repairman? Is your telephone on the fritz as well, Midge? Because a perfect lady always calls when she's going to be late.
Forgive you? Why of course I will! Consider it forgotten.

Today, I wanted to talk about a book my husband gave me. It's all about being a good wife - in fact, it's a guide! There are handy tips inside that I can use to better myself. And what do I always say about bettering oneself, Midge? That's right! A perfect lady can always improve.

So, Midge, let me review the first rule with you: praise your husband.
That's right, praise him. And not just frilly little things. No, Midge. Serious, grounded-in-reality praise. Because men know if you're faking it.

Usually.

Ahem.

Let me rephrase that: men are excellent at spotting a false friend. So you must give your man praise he can trust. Here are some examples of compliments I've given my husband:

* My, your hair looks well-oiled this morning.
* Your new suit makes your arms look tiny and your shoulders look large.
* Those socks very nearly match your shoes!
* Your nose appears very chiseled when you wear that tie.
* When you cough like that, you remind me of the adorable walruses at the zoo.
* Lighting your cigarette is most enjoyable - like having a mini-campfire in our living room!
* I love rubbing your feet - I pretend I'm a servant to a prince and this is your castle! I imagine the children are alligators in your moat.
* You devoured that pot roast like a champ.

You see, Midge? It doesn't take much. Just pointing out those little loveable things that your husband does. Appreciating his quirks and turning a potential negative into an extreme positive.

Midge, I'd recommend you learn this trick. It might help you to land a husband of your own. Not interested in meeting a man? Oh, Midge! You simply don't know what you're missing.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get dinner ready and write down a list of compliments. A perfect lady's job is never done!