Going to the Chapel...

Midge, I'm so glad you came over as fast as you did (although, really, if you had been hurrying, you probably could've been here about five minutes ago, but never mind. It's not as if I was laying on the floor dying, is it? And, you know, if I ever am, I'll remember to call someone who doesn't dawdle).

Anyway, I'm having a crisis of epic proportions. Epic, Midge. EPIC.

Remember last time you were here when I told you about my cousin Dorey's wedding? Yes, I know you know Dorey. I know you've been invited to the wedding. Bravo, Midge. Now we just have to find you a date.

Ahem. Anyway, the festivities are not far off now. Just a few months away - and I awoke in a cold sweat the other night when I realized something - Dorey is missing one of THE MOST IMPORTANT things.

Something borrowed.

She's got the old (my grandmother's opal ring - it's quite lovely. I would've worn it at my wedding if Granny hadn't willed it to Dorey. I have no idea why she did. Opal doesn't really suit Dorey's skin color. But whatever. Grandma was half blind with the cataracts anyway).

She's got the new - a new dress, in fact.(Imagine! I offered her my drop-waist taffeta dress - a style that is nothing if not enduring - but no, she insists on buying a brand new wedding dress for eight hundred dollars! Eight hundred! I'll tell you something - if I ever buy a dress for eight hundred dollars I'd better be married to Paul Newman. What's that, Midge? Dead? Of course he isn't! His picture is right here on my salad dressing. Alive. And. Well.)


She's got the blue (if you'll believe it, her garter is blue. It was handmade by my aunt Pearl, Dorey's mother. My mother made the bouquet for my wedding. Mind you, the flowers she used were at the end of the season, so they weren't as lush and full as they could've been - but, as I always say, it's the thought that counts).

And she's even got a silver sixpence in her shoe (I didn't have a sixpence for my wedding, so I used a dime. I've never told anyone that before, Midgery. Keep it in your dearest confidence).

But she hasn't borrowed anything. And, as you know Midge, I'm a very giving person. I've offered her numerous things - everything from my hand strung orange seed bracelet (I tell you, they look like topaz after they're dried and coated with clear nailpolish), to my faux flower headband (why use real flowers in your hair when you can use plastic and silk and keep them forever?) to my veil. That one hurt the most. My veil is stunning, Midge. I beaded it myself.

So - what shall we do, Midge?

Nothing?

What do you mean? I'm her matron of honor! I can't just sit back and do NOTHING. It's my duty to lend something to her. You know Dorey - she's so indecisive. She needs guidance! She needs -

What's that?

YOU lent her something? I don't understand. She borrowed something from YOU?
What on earth did you lend her, Midgery?

Your snood? What does she need with your snood?

She chose YOUR SNOOD over MY VEIL?

Midge, I think I need to go lie down for awhile. You can see yourself out. You and your snood.