Ah, Midge. Thank heavens you're here. I finally got the photos back from Dorey's wedding! Wasn't it just the bees' knees? I mean, honestly! I had the greatest time. Well, for the most part. No occasion is perfect, you know.
What's that? Why did it take so long to get the pictures?
Because, Midgery...there was a backlog at Blacks. You know, where you get film developed.
What? A camera with no film? Midge, what in heaven's name are you on about? My dear, such a thing simply does not exist! Imagine! Next thing you're going to tell me is that we can instantly send people mail. Oh, Midge. What a fantasy you live in!
But back to the photos!
Here's the first one of hubby and I before we left for the ceremony. David took this, so it's a bit shaky. I'm SO glad the kids were able to join us for the wedding. Even though they're young, it meant everything to them to see Dorey get married.
Here's a picture we took in the car, just as we arrived at the church. You'll notice that the baby has changed outfits. I'll spare you the gory details, but suffice it to say that a good mother always brings at least three sets of everything. And baby wipes. For the love of all that is good and holy.
OK, so this is the start of the ceremony. Look, Midge! There you are, a few rows in front. I can tell it's you because you wore that ghastly hat. Really, dear, why did you make that unfortunate wardrobe decision? I know it matched your dress (unfortunately), but Midge, there are other options. Next time we're both going to a wedding, I'll just take you shopping ahead of time. Or better yet, I'll make your dress!
This is the part where they exchanged rings. Ah, it's so beautiful to see two people in love. Again, pardon the shakiness of the photo. David was fairly insistent about being the photographer. Little dickens always knows what he wants!
Alright, this was the garden. I have to say that at my wedding, the flowers were in full bloom - and seemed so bright. The blossoms were just a little underwhelming. Too bad. Dorey looks lovely, though. I wouldn't have used THAT much blush, but to each her own.
And now a few shots from the reception. Midge, is it just me or does Dorey's new husband look like one of those - oh, what are they? You know - one of those creatures that lives in the water?
No! Not a dolphin. Not a shark. Not a hippo. Not a stingray. No, those large gray things - yes! A manatee. Don't you think he and his family look like a bunch of manatees?
No?
So it's just me then...moving along.
Here's the couple making their grand entrance! Ah, I cried a little. Of course, it WAS funny when the announcer called her "Dairy" instead of "Dorey" - poor dear. That's what you get when you don't pay top dollar for your help.
And here's a picture of the meal. I wanted a snapshot to send to the banquet hall with my letter of complaint- the potatoes were undercooked, the meat was overcooked and the dessert was dreadful. I'm not even sure what it was.
What's that? Trifle?
Well, it should've been more than a trifle better, amiright?
Midge? That was a joke, dear. Generally, a polite lady laughs when another lady makes a joke. I'll just give you a few seconds.
And finally, a picture of the bride and groom cutting the cake. Which, as you know, I baked. It was, I have to say (without any prejudice) the best part of the day.
Whew. Time to put these into my album and stick them on the shelf with the others. Midge, I hope you liked the wedding as much as I did. Oh! And before you go, this is for you.
What is it? It's a packet of doubles, silly. So you can put them in your own album. No need to thank me! It's my pleasure, dear.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
LIttle Blessings
My goodness, Midge it has been awhile, hasn't it? Welcome, welcome! Sit down and let me get you some tea. Coffee? Sure. Of course. Why don't I ever remember that?
Where were we? Well, darling, after Dorey's wedding my dear husband decided we ought to get out of town for a few days. He always gets terrible indigestion after spending too much time with my family, so I knew his stomach was probably in a dreadful state. We packed our bags, hopped in the car and drove for three hours. The kids were awfully carsick the whole time, so we had to stop quite often. Really, we could've been there much sooner if they could've managed to keep their lunches down. Ah, but children! They're such a gift. God bless their little hearts.
What's that? Why did we take the children? Oh, Midge - because! We were headed up to the family cottage - and what's better for children than fresh air and sunshine? Nothing! Of course, I don't expect you to know that - since you haven't kids of your own - but dear, when it happens for you (when are you thinking it might happen for you? Are you seeing anyone these days? No? Well, buck up!) you'll know what it really is to feel love.
Yes, Midge - children teach you to love. Before you have them, you have no idea what love is. I daresay anyone who happens to choose NOT to have children clearly doesn't want to let love into their lives. And that makes me so sad.
Our holiday? Well, it was nice enough, thanks for asking. Peter (that's my oldest, you know) caught a nasty cold when we arrived (he went outside and sat on a damp log. That does it every time). Janie (that's my difficult middle child) sprained her ankle pretty badly, so she was laid up for the entire vacation (poor thing!) and the baby was cutting several teeth, so she wasn't very happy about much at all. Really, I didn't get more than two hours sleep each night.
But Midgery, that's what being a mother is all about - sacrifice. Sacrificing your health, your happiness and your very being. Just to keep your children alive. It's the biggest and most important responsiblity you will ever have. Ever. And the hardest job in the universe. I'd love to see a scientist do my job for a day - he would jump out the kitchen window and move to Paris under an assumed name and never call again, praying her children won't look for her. I mean, him.
Ahem.
So that's where we were. Enjoying some family time, cooped up in a cottage with a leaking room for three days of solid rain.
I must say, it is good to be home. And, might I add, it's good to see you again Midge. Do stay for another cup of coffee, won't you?
Where were we? Well, darling, after Dorey's wedding my dear husband decided we ought to get out of town for a few days. He always gets terrible indigestion after spending too much time with my family, so I knew his stomach was probably in a dreadful state. We packed our bags, hopped in the car and drove for three hours. The kids were awfully carsick the whole time, so we had to stop quite often. Really, we could've been there much sooner if they could've managed to keep their lunches down. Ah, but children! They're such a gift. God bless their little hearts.
What's that? Why did we take the children? Oh, Midge - because! We were headed up to the family cottage - and what's better for children than fresh air and sunshine? Nothing! Of course, I don't expect you to know that - since you haven't kids of your own - but dear, when it happens for you (when are you thinking it might happen for you? Are you seeing anyone these days? No? Well, buck up!) you'll know what it really is to feel love.
Yes, Midge - children teach you to love. Before you have them, you have no idea what love is. I daresay anyone who happens to choose NOT to have children clearly doesn't want to let love into their lives. And that makes me so sad.
Our holiday? Well, it was nice enough, thanks for asking. Peter (that's my oldest, you know) caught a nasty cold when we arrived (he went outside and sat on a damp log. That does it every time). Janie (that's my difficult middle child) sprained her ankle pretty badly, so she was laid up for the entire vacation (poor thing!) and the baby was cutting several teeth, so she wasn't very happy about much at all. Really, I didn't get more than two hours sleep each night.
But Midgery, that's what being a mother is all about - sacrifice. Sacrificing your health, your happiness and your very being. Just to keep your children alive. It's the biggest and most important responsiblity you will ever have. Ever. And the hardest job in the universe. I'd love to see a scientist do my job for a day - he would jump out the kitchen window and move to Paris under an assumed name and never call again, praying her children won't look for her. I mean, him.
Ahem.
So that's where we were. Enjoying some family time, cooped up in a cottage with a leaking room for three days of solid rain.
I must say, it is good to be home. And, might I add, it's good to see you again Midge. Do stay for another cup of coffee, won't you?
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Baking for Dorey
Now, let's see - I've made the pie, the tarts, the cake and...there's something I'm missing.
Midge? Is that you? Well come on in, silly girl! Why are you just standing there on my back porch?
Entertaining someone? Oh! No, I wasn't talking to anyone. Just myself. You see, Midge, I'm baking.
What's that? Oh, yes! I'm baking a LOT. I've got an apple pie, some lemon tarts, a chocolate-fudge-triple-layer-cake, and...there's one other thing I meant to bake, but it slipped my mind.
Why am I baking? For Dorey, of course! For her shower. It's tomorrow afternoon - you're invited, you know. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, you're supposed to be bringing some form of refreshment - am I right?
What?
You're bringing bakery buns?
Midge, are you out of your sweet mind? Bakery buns? Two words: Not Appropriate. Dear, dear naiive Midge - you need to bring something that shows how much you care. And the ONLY way to show how much you care is to bake something yourself. With your own two calloused hands.
Why not make some brownies? Everyone loves those! And I especially like the way you're never able to cut them all into the same-sized pieces! And the way you just slop the icing on - it gives them a whimsical feel, Midge! And, quite honestly, they ARE delicious. I mean, really. I've often wanted that recipe, actually. You never have shared it though, have you? Even after all these years!
You'll write it down? OH, Midgery! That's lovely! I would absolutely adore the recipe. Thank you, dearest! Just write it on this paper while I cover the cake. You know, Midge, since you're giving me the recipe, I'd be happy to bake the brownies, and you can just take credit for them. What do you think?
Midge? Oh, she's gone. I guess she had to run. Well, let's see this famous recipe of hers.
It says...Betty Crocker Double-Chocolate Brownie Mix.
Dear, sweet love. Say it isn't so.
Midge? Is that you? Well come on in, silly girl! Why are you just standing there on my back porch?
Entertaining someone? Oh! No, I wasn't talking to anyone. Just myself. You see, Midge, I'm baking.
What's that? Oh, yes! I'm baking a LOT. I've got an apple pie, some lemon tarts, a chocolate-fudge-triple-layer-cake, and...there's one other thing I meant to bake, but it slipped my mind.
Why am I baking? For Dorey, of course! For her shower. It's tomorrow afternoon - you're invited, you know. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, you're supposed to be bringing some form of refreshment - am I right?
What?
You're bringing bakery buns?
Midge, are you out of your sweet mind? Bakery buns? Two words: Not Appropriate. Dear, dear naiive Midge - you need to bring something that shows how much you care. And the ONLY way to show how much you care is to bake something yourself. With your own two calloused hands.
Why not make some brownies? Everyone loves those! And I especially like the way you're never able to cut them all into the same-sized pieces! And the way you just slop the icing on - it gives them a whimsical feel, Midge! And, quite honestly, they ARE delicious. I mean, really. I've often wanted that recipe, actually. You never have shared it though, have you? Even after all these years!
You'll write it down? OH, Midgery! That's lovely! I would absolutely adore the recipe. Thank you, dearest! Just write it on this paper while I cover the cake. You know, Midge, since you're giving me the recipe, I'd be happy to bake the brownies, and you can just take credit for them. What do you think?
Midge? Oh, she's gone. I guess she had to run. Well, let's see this famous recipe of hers.
It says...Betty Crocker Double-Chocolate Brownie Mix.
Dear, sweet love. Say it isn't so.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Going to the Chapel...
Midge, I'm so glad you came over as fast as you did (although, really, if you had been hurrying, you probably could've been here about five minutes ago, but never mind. It's not as if I was laying on the floor dying, is it? And, you know, if I ever am, I'll remember to call someone who doesn't dawdle).
Anyway, I'm having a crisis of epic proportions. Epic, Midge. EPIC.
Remember last time you were here when I told you about my cousin Dorey's wedding? Yes, I know you know Dorey. I know you've been invited to the wedding. Bravo, Midge. Now we just have to find you a date.
Ahem. Anyway, the festivities are not far off now. Just a few months away - and I awoke in a cold sweat the other night when I realized something - Dorey is missing one of THE MOST IMPORTANT things.
Something borrowed.
She's got the old (my grandmother's opal ring - it's quite lovely. I would've worn it at my wedding if Granny hadn't willed it to Dorey. I have no idea why she did. Opal doesn't really suit Dorey's skin color. But whatever. Grandma was half blind with the cataracts anyway).
She's got the new - a new dress, in fact.(Imagine! I offered her my drop-waist taffeta dress - a style that is nothing if not enduring - but no, she insists on buying a brand new wedding dress for eight hundred dollars! Eight hundred! I'll tell you something - if I ever buy a dress for eight hundred dollars I'd better be married to Paul Newman. What's that, Midge? Dead? Of course he isn't! His picture is right here on my salad dressing. Alive. And. Well.)
She's got the blue (if you'll believe it, her garter is blue. It was handmade by my aunt Pearl, Dorey's mother. My mother made the bouquet for my wedding. Mind you, the flowers she used were at the end of the season, so they weren't as lush and full as they could've been - but, as I always say, it's the thought that counts).
And she's even got a silver sixpence in her shoe (I didn't have a sixpence for my wedding, so I used a dime. I've never told anyone that before, Midgery. Keep it in your dearest confidence).
But she hasn't borrowed anything. And, as you know Midge, I'm a very giving person. I've offered her numerous things - everything from my hand strung orange seed bracelet (I tell you, they look like topaz after they're dried and coated with clear nailpolish), to my faux flower headband (why use real flowers in your hair when you can use plastic and silk and keep them forever?) to my veil. That one hurt the most. My veil is stunning, Midge. I beaded it myself.
So - what shall we do, Midge?
Nothing?
What do you mean? I'm her matron of honor! I can't just sit back and do NOTHING. It's my duty to lend something to her. You know Dorey - she's so indecisive. She needs guidance! She needs -
What's that?
YOU lent her something? I don't understand. She borrowed something from YOU?
What on earth did you lend her, Midgery?
Your snood? What does she need with your snood?
She chose YOUR SNOOD over MY VEIL?
Midge, I think I need to go lie down for awhile. You can see yourself out. You and your snood.
Anyway, I'm having a crisis of epic proportions. Epic, Midge. EPIC.
Remember last time you were here when I told you about my cousin Dorey's wedding? Yes, I know you know Dorey. I know you've been invited to the wedding. Bravo, Midge. Now we just have to find you a date.
Ahem. Anyway, the festivities are not far off now. Just a few months away - and I awoke in a cold sweat the other night when I realized something - Dorey is missing one of THE MOST IMPORTANT things.
Something borrowed.
She's got the old (my grandmother's opal ring - it's quite lovely. I would've worn it at my wedding if Granny hadn't willed it to Dorey. I have no idea why she did. Opal doesn't really suit Dorey's skin color. But whatever. Grandma was half blind with the cataracts anyway).
She's got the new - a new dress, in fact.(Imagine! I offered her my drop-waist taffeta dress - a style that is nothing if not enduring - but no, she insists on buying a brand new wedding dress for eight hundred dollars! Eight hundred! I'll tell you something - if I ever buy a dress for eight hundred dollars I'd better be married to Paul Newman. What's that, Midge? Dead? Of course he isn't! His picture is right here on my salad dressing. Alive. And. Well.)
She's got the blue (if you'll believe it, her garter is blue. It was handmade by my aunt Pearl, Dorey's mother. My mother made the bouquet for my wedding. Mind you, the flowers she used were at the end of the season, so they weren't as lush and full as they could've been - but, as I always say, it's the thought that counts).
And she's even got a silver sixpence in her shoe (I didn't have a sixpence for my wedding, so I used a dime. I've never told anyone that before, Midgery. Keep it in your dearest confidence).
But she hasn't borrowed anything. And, as you know Midge, I'm a very giving person. I've offered her numerous things - everything from my hand strung orange seed bracelet (I tell you, they look like topaz after they're dried and coated with clear nailpolish), to my faux flower headband (why use real flowers in your hair when you can use plastic and silk and keep them forever?) to my veil. That one hurt the most. My veil is stunning, Midge. I beaded it myself.
So - what shall we do, Midge?
Nothing?
What do you mean? I'm her matron of honor! I can't just sit back and do NOTHING. It's my duty to lend something to her. You know Dorey - she's so indecisive. She needs guidance! She needs -
What's that?
YOU lent her something? I don't understand. She borrowed something from YOU?
What on earth did you lend her, Midgery?
Your snood? What does she need with your snood?
She chose YOUR SNOOD over MY VEIL?
Midge, I think I need to go lie down for awhile. You can see yourself out. You and your snood.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
A Chore For Each Day or Being the Perfect Housewife
Midge! Is that you? Midgery? Come on in, dear. I'm just putting my groceries away - I was marketing this morning, it being Thursday and all.
What's that? Of course I go to the market every Thursday! When else would I do it?
What?
Tuesday?
Midge, Midge, Midge. Once again, it's such a good thing we're friends. Allow me to right your wrongs and tell you exactly how one makes sure she keeps the perfect home each week. And how one avoids marketing on Tuesday. Really.
Here, take a look at my dish towel. See? It says "Thursday - Marketing". And look at tomorrow's! "Friday - Baking". You see, there's something for each day. Here's a handy way to remember what to do when (you know, in case you don't have dish towels to remind you).
Monday we wash and hang up the clothes,
Tuesday we press them - our care really shows!
Wednesday we mend and stitch and sew,
Thursday it's shopping - to market we go!
Friday we bake with sugar and flour,
Saturday we clean and wash and scour!
And Sunday, dear Midge, Sunday is best,
For that is the day we can finally rest.
But rest isn't really resting, is it? No! Sunday we have to make Sunday dinner. At least three courses, ending with a pie. Why pie? Oh, my! Midge, you always end with a pie. Men. Love. Pie.
So, Midge, you see how being organized can help you run your home more efficiently? What's that? When do I do car maintenance? When do I mow the lawn? When do I clean the eavestrough?
Midge, you are such a funny little thing! My husband does all of that, of course! Silly Midge!
Well, dear, it has been a delight talking with you - as always - but I must get back to my groceries...and then I must start dinner. There are lemons to meringue and pickles to relish and what not. So, dear, we'll chat again next week. And next week we'll have a LOT to chat about - my cousin Dorey is getting married and I'm going to be helping out with the ceremony!
Until then, dearest! Ta!
What's that? Of course I go to the market every Thursday! When else would I do it?
What?
Tuesday?
Midge, Midge, Midge. Once again, it's such a good thing we're friends. Allow me to right your wrongs and tell you exactly how one makes sure she keeps the perfect home each week. And how one avoids marketing on Tuesday. Really.
Here, take a look at my dish towel. See? It says "Thursday - Marketing". And look at tomorrow's! "Friday - Baking". You see, there's something for each day. Here's a handy way to remember what to do when (you know, in case you don't have dish towels to remind you).
Monday we wash and hang up the clothes,
Tuesday we press them - our care really shows!
Wednesday we mend and stitch and sew,
Thursday it's shopping - to market we go!
Friday we bake with sugar and flour,
Saturday we clean and wash and scour!
And Sunday, dear Midge, Sunday is best,
For that is the day we can finally rest.
But rest isn't really resting, is it? No! Sunday we have to make Sunday dinner. At least three courses, ending with a pie. Why pie? Oh, my! Midge, you always end with a pie. Men. Love. Pie.
So, Midge, you see how being organized can help you run your home more efficiently? What's that? When do I do car maintenance? When do I mow the lawn? When do I clean the eavestrough?
Midge, you are such a funny little thing! My husband does all of that, of course! Silly Midge!
Well, dear, it has been a delight talking with you - as always - but I must get back to my groceries...and then I must start dinner. There are lemons to meringue and pickles to relish and what not. So, dear, we'll chat again next week. And next week we'll have a LOT to chat about - my cousin Dorey is getting married and I'm going to be helping out with the ceremony!
Until then, dearest! Ta!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Decision Making
Oh, Midge. A-choo! You might want to sit in that chair over there. No, no *cough* way, way over there.
A-CHOO!
You see, I'm fighting a little cold, and I wouldn't want you to catch it.
Postpone today's lesson? Midge, we aren't getting any younger dear. You, specificially. The faster we - you - learn about what a man wants, the faster we - you - can find one of your own.
A-CHOO!
My goodness. That was a doozy.
I think I may have caught this cold from hubby. He was feeling a bit under the weather last week. That didn't stop me, however, from tending to his every need. Including kissing him and washing his handkerchiefs by hand. Yes, that may have done it. Or, more likely, I suppose, it was probably due to my damp hair and the cold weather conditions outside. Everyone knows that's a surefire way to get sick.
No matter, Midge. A perfect lady doesn't dwell on the negative. She exudes positivity!
A-CHOO!
Ask my husband to make dinner tonight? Midge, are you out of your mind? A little cold won't stop me from doing my wifely duties. Speaking of which, this week's lesson is called "Decision Making - How to Stay Out of Things."
What's that? Oh, Midge! Of course a lady gets to make SOME decisions. For instance, you can choose whether you want to use pine or lemon-scented cleaning solution on the hardwood. And if you want to paint your nails plum instead of raspberry, you can do that as well! If you'd like bubbly water, that's your own business. But let's not get crazy, OK?
Most of the decisions in life are made by the person best equipped to make them: your husband!
Yes, Midge, I know you don't have a husband. I can't even imagine how you get by, to be honest. You see, if you had a husband, he would do as mine does: decide what we'll watch on television, where we'll go on vacation (or if we even get to have a vacation!), what we should do on the weekend and what foods we should avoid (those he doesn't like, of course!).
You ENJOY making decisions? Midge, Midge, Midge - you only say that because you don't know any different!
A-CHOO!
What's that? You're going already? Well, I suppose it's for the best. I might be able to get in a little lie-down before hubby gets home. But come back next week, Midge. We'll be talking about wittiness - an area in which you have much improving to do!
A-CHOO!
A-CHOO!
You see, I'm fighting a little cold, and I wouldn't want you to catch it.
Postpone today's lesson? Midge, we aren't getting any younger dear. You, specificially. The faster we - you - learn about what a man wants, the faster we - you - can find one of your own.
A-CHOO!
My goodness. That was a doozy.
I think I may have caught this cold from hubby. He was feeling a bit under the weather last week. That didn't stop me, however, from tending to his every need. Including kissing him and washing his handkerchiefs by hand. Yes, that may have done it. Or, more likely, I suppose, it was probably due to my damp hair and the cold weather conditions outside. Everyone knows that's a surefire way to get sick.
No matter, Midge. A perfect lady doesn't dwell on the negative. She exudes positivity!
A-CHOO!
Ask my husband to make dinner tonight? Midge, are you out of your mind? A little cold won't stop me from doing my wifely duties. Speaking of which, this week's lesson is called "Decision Making - How to Stay Out of Things."
What's that? Oh, Midge! Of course a lady gets to make SOME decisions. For instance, you can choose whether you want to use pine or lemon-scented cleaning solution on the hardwood. And if you want to paint your nails plum instead of raspberry, you can do that as well! If you'd like bubbly water, that's your own business. But let's not get crazy, OK?
Most of the decisions in life are made by the person best equipped to make them: your husband!
Yes, Midge, I know you don't have a husband. I can't even imagine how you get by, to be honest. You see, if you had a husband, he would do as mine does: decide what we'll watch on television, where we'll go on vacation (or if we even get to have a vacation!), what we should do on the weekend and what foods we should avoid (those he doesn't like, of course!).
You ENJOY making decisions? Midge, Midge, Midge - you only say that because you don't know any different!
A-CHOO!
What's that? You're going already? Well, I suppose it's for the best. I might be able to get in a little lie-down before hubby gets home. But come back next week, Midge. We'll be talking about wittiness - an area in which you have much improving to do!
A-CHOO!
Monday, February 28, 2011
A Most Excellent Book: Rule 1
Ah, Midge! You're here. And only ten minutes late, I see. What's that? Oven's on the fritz? Waiting for a repairman? Is your telephone on the fritz as well, Midge? Because a perfect lady always calls when she's going to be late.
Forgive you? Why of course I will! Consider it forgotten.
Today, I wanted to talk about a book my husband gave me. It's all about being a good wife - in fact, it's a guide! There are handy tips inside that I can use to better myself. And what do I always say about bettering oneself, Midge? That's right! A perfect lady can always improve.
So, Midge, let me review the first rule with you: praise your husband.
That's right, praise him. And not just frilly little things. No, Midge. Serious, grounded-in-reality praise. Because men know if you're faking it.
Usually.
Ahem.
Let me rephrase that: men are excellent at spotting a false friend. So you must give your man praise he can trust. Here are some examples of compliments I've given my husband:
* My, your hair looks well-oiled this morning.
* Your new suit makes your arms look tiny and your shoulders look large.
* Those socks very nearly match your shoes!
* Your nose appears very chiseled when you wear that tie.
* When you cough like that, you remind me of the adorable walruses at the zoo.
* Lighting your cigarette is most enjoyable - like having a mini-campfire in our living room!
* I love rubbing your feet - I pretend I'm a servant to a prince and this is your castle! I imagine the children are alligators in your moat.
* You devoured that pot roast like a champ.
You see, Midge? It doesn't take much. Just pointing out those little loveable things that your husband does. Appreciating his quirks and turning a potential negative into an extreme positive.
Midge, I'd recommend you learn this trick. It might help you to land a husband of your own. Not interested in meeting a man? Oh, Midge! You simply don't know what you're missing.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get dinner ready and write down a list of compliments. A perfect lady's job is never done!
Forgive you? Why of course I will! Consider it forgotten.
Today, I wanted to talk about a book my husband gave me. It's all about being a good wife - in fact, it's a guide! There are handy tips inside that I can use to better myself. And what do I always say about bettering oneself, Midge? That's right! A perfect lady can always improve.
So, Midge, let me review the first rule with you: praise your husband.
That's right, praise him. And not just frilly little things. No, Midge. Serious, grounded-in-reality praise. Because men know if you're faking it.
Usually.
Ahem.
Let me rephrase that: men are excellent at spotting a false friend. So you must give your man praise he can trust. Here are some examples of compliments I've given my husband:
* My, your hair looks well-oiled this morning.
* Your new suit makes your arms look tiny and your shoulders look large.
* Those socks very nearly match your shoes!
* Your nose appears very chiseled when you wear that tie.
* When you cough like that, you remind me of the adorable walruses at the zoo.
* Lighting your cigarette is most enjoyable - like having a mini-campfire in our living room!
* I love rubbing your feet - I pretend I'm a servant to a prince and this is your castle! I imagine the children are alligators in your moat.
* You devoured that pot roast like a champ.
You see, Midge? It doesn't take much. Just pointing out those little loveable things that your husband does. Appreciating his quirks and turning a potential negative into an extreme positive.
Midge, I'd recommend you learn this trick. It might help you to land a husband of your own. Not interested in meeting a man? Oh, Midge! You simply don't know what you're missing.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get dinner ready and write down a list of compliments. A perfect lady's job is never done!
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